Guidelines for Parenting Your Attention Different Child

Copyright 1997 George Lynn, M.A.

Parents with a child having the diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) will recognize some or all of these behaviors. Their child may:
 

 Have a hot, quick, temper
 Jump to oppose authority
 Throw fits when he hears the word "no!"
 Have a problem remembering rules and sequences
 Behave impulsively and inappropriately
 Have difficulty making friends

Research has established that upwards of 5 percent of all children (more boys than girls) show some or all of these behaviors. Some kids also suffer from obsessive thoughts and compulsions like hand washing, depression, rage, or may be given to taking dangerous risks.

The good news, which is overlooked by many involved with these kids, is that they also have special gifts. They tend to be highly purposeful, creative, have a splendid capacity for argument, and have a powerful sense of personal justice. This is why I call them Attention Different. They are most certainly not deficit in intellectual capacity or redeeming qualities. Their positive characteristics will serve them well in ADDulthood but we have to get them through their childhood first. It is mainly the context of the modern classroom, with its requirement for high volume route learning that makes them appear deficit for they do not learn well in this setting.

Stimulus Overload Causes The ADD Child's Problems

ADD kids do not behave the way they do out of deliberate spite. Though all children will naturally challenge their parents, the most persistent problems of ADD children have another cause. They are set off by the stress the child feels because he is so open to stimulation.

ADD children are biochemically less able to screen out stimulation from all their senses and from their minds and emotions. The child feels overwhelmed by impressions from what he sees, smells, hears, feels, or thinks. Or he may be overcome by the sensation of "pressure" that results in hyperactivity or pressured speech.

Awash in so much stimulation, the child can not sort out any one thing to focus on. He has "too much of a good thing." This makes learning very difficult and prevents him from getting the satisfaction, the pleasure, of really taking things in. Writer Thom Hartmann suggests that the child who is so numbed, experiences the inability to feel alive. This causes a lot of stress.

To attempt to soothe this restlessness, a child may go into the wild search pattern of hyperactivity. Or he may deliberately provoke others to react to him. Or he may take dangerous risks, following fire, knives, and all the forbidden things as far as they will take him. The child seeks a sense of stimulus satisfaction from this activity.

Another child may feel so overwhelmed that he withdraws into depression, dreaminess, or is given to rage when disturbed. He is trying so hard to hold on to a sense of who he is and what he is doing that interruption is perceived as excruciating. This child is seeking a sense of stimulus safety.

The first step to helping yourself and your child is to get an understanding of what function problematic behavior serves for him. You must determine if his behavior is an attempt to gain stimulus satisfaction or stimulus safety and go from there.

To do this, observe your child's reactions and keep a log in which you record his behavior and mood changes.

Simply get into the habit of watching him. Observe him especially closely for signs that he is having a problem by noting situations in which he does not pay attention and therefore cannot remember details of the situation. Note when he has problems. The time of day he misfires will tell you a lot about how to reduce his stress by adjusting what is happening around him.

Enter Into a Consultancy Relationship with Him

I like the consultant model of helping your child. If he wants your help, offer it but do so only on his request. Your objective must be to make your child more self- supporting and less in need of your help.
 

 Ask him what he is experiencing when he is having a problem, and assist him in articulating his feelings to you. If, for example, he starts screaming at you when you require him to finish a particular project, ask "Are you mad at me because I didn't give you enough time to finish or because you have to go back to the beginning when I interrupted you?"

 Ask him why he does certain things. One bright nine-year-old I've worked with in counseling told me that he aggravates his teacher "to see her face turn red." This is a clue to me that he is experiencing a lack of stimulus satisfaction due to "stimulus flooding" in the crowded classroom. Another child ventured the comment that this was a way to get the teacher's attention, because his interpersonal skills were so poor he couldn't get it any other way.

Some Key Problem Management Skills For ADD Children

Our basic challenge as parents is to bring out our child's special strengths while staying firm and consistent Here are some ways to do this:

1. Create positive alternative choices based on your child's purposes and encourage him to make a choice.

Example: If you want him to finish a project, say "Would you like ten minutes or fifteen to finish your project?" or;

If you want him to get his homework done, say "When would you like to complete your homework: after school or after dinner so that you can have your friend over?"

This kind of language structure, which hands choices to the child, gives him some control enabling him to shift gears at his own pace so as to avoid the distress of feeling jerked from one activity to another.

2. Use positive statements to move him toward positive outcomes.

Do not say: "Don't talk to me in that tone of voice."
Say: "I'll be glad to discuss this when respect is shone."

Do not say: "Stop arguing with me."
Say: "I'll be glad to discuss this as soon as the arguing stops."

Do not say: "Pay attention"
Say: "I'll start again as soon as I know that you are with me."

Keeping your language positive keeps his attitude positive. Remember, he is very open to your tone and non-verbalize. Treat him the way you want him to respond and you will notice the difference in his behavior immediately.

3. In problem situations use "reminder" language to overcome short term memory problems.

Example: To get him to move out of contact when he is yelling or poking others, say "When you can show me that you have control of your body by stopping your swearing and poking and get to your room, we can talk about what you want."

4. Give him lots of up-front warnings for transition. The feeling of being lost, out-of-control, anxious, and overwhelmed by stimulation can come when the ADD child is required to pull focus from one activity and put it on another. These transition times need to be managed carefully.

Examples: If you want him in bed by 8:30 school nights, Remind him at 8:15 "You need to brush your teeth and be in bed in the next fifteen minutes so that I can read to you." or;

To help him learn to get his stuff together to get out the door in the morning, teach him a rhyme such as "Two, four, six, eight, get pack, lunch, homework, and wait..." Some Attention Different children have a keen ear for music and can carry a tune splendidly, or;

To help him do chores around the house, post a list of required steps on the fridge for him to follow.

5. Keep your cool. Know your stress triggers and have another ADDult available to support you if possible. Attention Different kids react best to "matter-of- fact" communications. When you show anger, they will react quickly, in an oppositional manner. An ugly battle can result. Because they are so open to stimulation, they can "catch" a mood from you and give it back to you with equal force.

6. Help him work through obsessions and compulsions by making it O.K. to talk about them. These tend to get worse when the child is tired. Experiment with creative methods to ease the stress of obsessions using visualizations of peace and completion to relax him. (I suggest several such exercises in my book Survival Strategies For Parenting Your ADD Child.) Medication and behavior therapy have also been shown to be very effective for the elimination of compulsive behavior. Don't pry. Simply say "Looks like you're having those darn 'worry loops' again. Is there anything I can do to help?"

7. Attend to physical factors. Research has shown that mental performance is improved by a good diet and exercise. This is especially true in the case of ADD children. Make sure that his diet is well balanced and watch out for a carbohydrate craving that may signal the presence of an addiction to refined carbs that many ADD children have and that can make behavior worse.. Help him get frequent aerobic style exercise that is not too strenuous. Physical exercise is a great way to let off the pressure that causes hyperactivity. Team sports may be difficult for Attention Different kids so encourage solo exercise such as rope jumping, running for points, bicycling or exercycling.

When all is said and done, you can't take care of your child unless you are taking care of yourself so don't bash yourself for not being a perfect parent. Give yourself credit. Yours is one of the most difficult, stressful, jobs in the world. Your child is lucky to have you in his life. Know that some of the most successful people in the world are Attention Different and that with persistence and love you will help your child grow to be an interesting and happy person who achieves his full potential!

 About the author:
 George T. Lynn, M.A., M.P.A., C.M.H.C. is a Certified mental health therapist from Bellevue, Washington and author of the book Survival Strategies for Parenting Your ADD Child: Dealing With Obsessions, Compulsions, Depression, Explosive Behavior and Rage (Underwood Books, 1996), as well as numerous magazine articles in the areas of stress, wellness, and the parenting of children with attention differences. He has taught at the graduate level at Antioch University, the University of Puget Sound, and Chapman College. He is husband of poet Joanne Barrie Lynn, father to two grown daughters and a fourteen year-old son diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome and ADHD. George Lynn may be contacted at georgelynn@genius-childspirit.com Please visit his Website for more info.