Empowering Kids to Deal with Bullies and Low Self-esteem

By Kathy Noll, Author - Taking the Bully by the Horns

  Did you know that 23% of 9th graders have carried a weapon to school
recently?  According to the US Justice Department, one out of three kids
will be offered or sold drugs at school while one out of four kids is
bullied either mentally or physically every day. Do we really know what
happens to our kids when they leave the safety of our homes to go to
school?

  Unfortunately, bullying and child violence have become quite common
themes in every school across the country, and outside the US as well.

  Dr. Jay Carter and myself have written a book, and run a web site, that
helps parents, teachers, and kids learn the skills they need to deal with
bullies and low self-esteem. On this journey, we've encountered many sad
stories that are all too real.

  One that really stands out in my mind, and heart, is in the form of a
letter written by a woman in IL. She starts out by thanking me for writing
my book and wishing she would've had it for her son, Ricky, 5 years
earlier.

  Ricky was tormented every day at school by his "bullies." He was an
asthmatic, and continually his classmates would take his inhaler medication
from him to spray on themselves, in the air - essentially wasting it. This
went on until one cold day in December, 1994, that has left his mother
devastated. Ricky was found dead at school. He died of an asthma attack.
His inhaler, found empty.

  This is only one of many depressing stories. We've all had bad
experiences to some degree that seem to be too close to home. But what can
we do?

  One of the things that Dr. Carter and myself did to bring awareness was
in collaboration with NBC10 News out of Philadelphia. At a local middle
school, we hid 5 cameras in a classroom of 8th graders. Only one child,
Jonathan, was in on our "sting" operation. He played the role of a bully
while wearing a wire microphone. We then hid in a nearby classroom and
monitored his classmates reactions as he proceeded to harass them. He
harassed them with the arrogance that only a bully knows. We had him making
fun of people, pushing and shoving, and giving off a real "I'm the only all
important one" attitude!

  The reactions varied as you can imagine. They were about as different as
every child's personality. Some moved out of his way, timid and frightened,
while others stood up for themselves screaming, "Get some manners!" One
girl smacked him in the forehead! But we were also touched by the concern
of many. We listened as they approached the teacher and expressed concern
for Jonathan's behavior. They felt he must really be hurting inside to be
taking out so much frustration on them.

  Bullies really do have low self-esteem. If there is something about
themselves they don't like, they feel that by putting you down, and teasing
you, they are distracting from their own problems. Bullies are also angry.
Most likely they were also bullied at some point. We call this the "Bully
Cycle." Also in question would be the negative influence of peers,
caretakers who may have abused or enabled them, and exposure to violence in
the media.

  What can the victim do about his/her bully? Try confronting them and
telling them how they are making you feel. "What did I do to you?" In many
situations ignoring has the best results. If the bully no longer gets a
reaction out of you, he/she will usually move on. It is no longer any fun.
But what about the bully who is very abusive or violent? Make sure the
school knows what is going on, and if they are unwilling to get involved,
you need to contact the bully's parents. This type of bully should be
avoided at all costs. Traveling to school in a group, and staying away from
empty buildings are other wise options.

  I'm sure you'll all agree that both the victims and bullies need help
and support. Teach them that their actions have consequences. Instill in
them the Rules for Fighting Fair: Identify the problem. Focus on the
problem. Attack the problem, not the person. Listen with an open mind.
Treat a person's feelings with respect. And finally - Take responsibility
for your actions.

  Let's all do our part to help prevent the children of our future from
becoming "statistics."

  If you'd like to learn more about bully and self-esteem issues, please
visit our web site at: http://hometown.aol.com/kthynoll
E-mail: kthynoll@aol.com

Posted with the permission of the author. Please contact the author for permission to reprint.